Tag: Blocks

The 12 Blocks to Listening

There are twelve blocks to listening. You will find that some are old favorites that you use over and over. Others are held in reserve for certain types of people or situations. Everyone uses listening blocks, so you should not worry if a lot of blocks are familiar. This is an opportunity to become more aware of your blocks at the time you actually use them.

1. Comparing

Comparing makes it hard to listen because you are always trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, and more emotionally healthy – whether it is you or the other person. Some people focus on who has suffered more, who is a bigger victim. While someone is talking, you think to yourself: “Could I do it that well? Hey, my kids are so much brighter.” You cannot let much in because you are too busy seeing if you measure up.

2. Mind Reading

The mind reader does not pay much attention to what people say. In fact, he often distrusts it. He is trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling. “She says she wants to go to the show, but I’ll bet she is tired and wants to relax. She might be resentful if I pushed her when she doesn’t want to go.” The mind reader pays less attention to words than to intonations and subtle cues in an effort to see through to the truth.

If you are a mind reader, you probably make assumptions about how people react to you.

“I bet he is looking at my lousy skin … She thinks I’m stupid … She is turned off by my shyness.” These notions are born of intuition, hunches, and vague misgivings, but have little to do with what the person actually says to you.

3. Rehearsing

You do not have time to listen when you are rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment. You have to look interested, but your mind is going a mile a minute because you have got a story to tell, or a point to make. Some people rehearse whole chains of responses: “First I will say, then he will say, then I will say,” and so on.

4. Filtering

When you filter, you listen to some things and not to others. You pay only enough attention to see if somebody’s angry, or unhappy, or if you are in emotional danger. Once assured that the communication contains none of those things, you let your mind wander. One woman listens just enough to her son to learn whether he is fighting again at school. Relieved to hear he is not, she begins thinking about her shopping list. A young man quickly ascertains what kind of mood his girlfriend is in. If she seems happy as she describes her day, his thoughts begin wandering.

Another way people filter is simply to avoid hearing certain things–particularly anything

threatening, negative, critical, or unpleasant. It is as if the words were never said: You simply have no memory of them.

5. Judging

Negative labels have enormous power. If you prejudge someone as stupid or nuts or unqualified, you do not pay much attention to what they say. You have already written them off. Hastily judging a statement as immoral, hypocritical, fascist, or crazy means you have ceased to listen and have begun a “knee-jerk” reaction. A basic rule of listening is that judgments should only be made after you have heard and evaluated the content of the message.

6. Dreaming

You are half-listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private

associations. Your neighbor says she’s been laid off, and in a flash you are back to the scene where you got fired for playing hearts on those long coffee breaks. Hearts is a great game, and there have been many great nights of playing the game. And you are gone, only to return a few minutes later as your neighbor says, “I knew you would understand, but please do no tell my husband.”

You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or anxious. Everyone dreams – and you sometimes need to make Herculean efforts to stay tuned in. But if you dream a lot with certain people, it may indicate a lack of commitment to knowing or appreciating them. At the very least, it is a statement that you do not value what they have to say very much.

7. Identifying

In this block, you take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience. They want to tell you about a toothache, but that reminds you of the time you had oral surgery for receding gums. You launch into your story before they can finish theirs. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you have felt, done, or suffered. You are so busy with these exciting tales of your life that there is no time to really hear or get to know the other person.

8. Advising

You are the great problem-solver, ready with help and suggestions. You do not have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin searching for the right advice. However, while you are cooking up suggestions and convincing someone to “just try it,” you may miss what is most important. You did not hear the feelings, and you did not acknowledge the person’s pain. He or she still feels basically alone because you could not listen and just be there.

9. Sparring

This block has you arguing and debating with people. The other person never feels heard

because you’re so quick to disagree. In fact, a lot of your focus is on finding things to disagree with. You take strong stands, are very clear about your beliefs and preferences. The way to avoid sparring is to repeat back and acknowledge what you have heard. Look for one thing you might agree with.

One subtype of sparring is the put-down. You use acerbic or sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other person’s point of view. For example, sally starts telling Joe about her problems in an English class. Joe says: “When are you going to be smart enough to drop that class?” Jake is feeling overwhelmed with the noise from the TV. When he tells Rebecca, she says, “Oh please, not the TV routine again.” The put-down is the standard block to listening in many marriages. It quickly pushes the communication into stereotyped patterns where each person repeats a familiar hostile litany.

A second type of sparring is discounting. Discounting is for people who cannot stand compliments. “Oh, I did not do anything…What do you mean, I was totally lame… It is nice of you to say, but it is really a very poor attempt.” The basic technique of discounting is to run yourself down when you get a compliment. The other person never feels satisfied that you really heard his appreciation. And he is right, you did not.

10. Being Right

Being right means you will go to any lengths (twist the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. You cannot listen to criticism, you cannot be corrected, and you cannot take suggestions to change. Your convictions are unshakable. And since you will not acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them.

11. Derailing

This listening block is accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic. Another way of derailing is by joking it off. This means that you continually respond to whatever is said with a joke or quip in order to avoid the discomfort or anxiety in seriously listening to the other person.

12. Placating

“Right – Right … Absolutely … I know … Of course, you are … Incredible … Yes … Really?” You want to be nice, pleasant, and supportive. You want people to like you – so you agree with everything. You may half-listen just enough to get the drift, but you are not really involved. You are placating rather than tuning in and examining what is actually being said.

Your Professional Growth and Type of Blocks in Career Path – Which Block Are You?

Introduction

Though I belong to northern part of India but in my professional life, for maximum number of years I have worked in southern and western parts of the country. It is only now, since 2005 that I shifted my base to northern India . Sometimes, people ask me the difference that I noticed in terms of work-culture, workplace environment and practices in northern and other parts of the country, during my professional journey. Usually my reply to those queries is: “People in western and southern parts of India compete for success and growth. They have constructive and positive approach. They value their and other’s time. Where as, in northern parts of India , people love to grow at the cost of others…by harming others. They have political mindset. They have destructive mindsets.

In western and southern India , the attitude is, “Lets grow together. You don’t harm me and I will not harm you; you have your own strengths and I have mine, we will grow together”. But in other part of the country, people want to be in lime-light. The philosophy is, “Only, I will grow. You, either perish or live in my shadow”.” This is the general attitude, perception and behavior of people. However, exceptions are always there.

Growing together – The Importance of Team Work

How good are you, when it comes to team-work? Do you understand the importance and synergy of team-work? To my knowledge, “We Indians” are very bad players of team-work. Each member of the team wants to hog the lime-light, wants to take the credit for the “Success” of the team and “Love to Blame” his team-member for the failure of his team. Be it any team; as small as a team of two members or as big as a team of fifteen members, we have always failed as a team. Hard to digest but this is a fact. Some of the factors our failures as a team are:

1) Personal Ego (Larger than life ego)

2) Its only “me” and no one else

3) Lack of knowledge (Subject Matter Expertise), Confidence and Self-Belief gives rise to self-doubt and “insecurity”.

4) They love to “Demand Respect” rather than earning respect.

When you have ego, arrogance and insecurity, you tend to block others’ success. You tend to harm them. You tend to play “Political Games” with your own team-members.

Team-work in Corporate World

Now, let me narrow my write-up to “Team-work in Corporate World” and “Team-work within a department”. You cannot do all the work that is expected from you and hence, there is a need of a team. “Delegating your Work”; Outsourcing; Vendor Management is nothing but steps towards “Team Work”. We talk about man-hours and man-hands. For example, I as an individual is capable of doing X work in seven days but along with my team of three people, I should be able to complete the task in three days.

But it’s not me who has done that work in three days; it’s my TEAM. Many times, knowingly or unknowingly we harm our own team. In the process of showing others “my control over my team”, people hurt the team, insult the team and thereby affect the morale and sprit of the team. There is a saying, “Don’t kill the hen laying golden eggs”; but some people divide the team because they feel insecure. They divide the team. They back-stab their own team members; they gossip about one member to another and they insult their team-members in front of others. They do all this because, they don’t have subject matter expertise, and they are not sure about their position. They don’t have self-confidence and self-belief. They feel that the only way that they can survive is by using the old tactic of British India , “Divide and Rule”. Just like the British rulers of that time, these team-leaders and team-managers are aware that “if I let these people unite, I will not be able to survive. A very bad tactic, isn’t it??

Role of Team-Leader / Team Manager

There is a saying in Hindi, “Yatha Raja, Tatha Praja” (As the king, so the people). Hence, the Team-Leader or a Team Manager have very important role to play in “Team Development and Management”. As is understood that to be a Team-Leader or a Team Manager one should have at least one person to supervise and manage. Team Leader should have confidence in his own abilities, knowledge and skills. If he does not have enough confidence in himself, I will doubt his abilities and skills to boost the confidence and morale of his team. To be honest and fair and based on my personal experiences, I do feel that 90% of managers have sense of insecurity from their subordinate. They feel that their subordinates will grow faster. They feel that their position is not secured. They have very low Emotional Quotient. Hence they try “to block” block the pace of growth of their juniors / subordinates. Here are some blocks that Managers / Team Leaders put on the way of their subordinates growth:

Dam – When you construct a dam on a river, it does not stop the growth of the river; rather it generates electricity, helps farmers in irrigation and control floods. Similar is the role of this block in your profession. He guides you. He mentors you. He grooms you. He sharpens your skill. He helps you to grow. He is a catalyst. He knows that he is big enough for you to harm him in any manner. It’s like an executive reporting to a President. This is a positive hurdle.

Hurdle on the road (Rock, big & heavy stone) – Imagine a situation when you are traveling to some place and happen to face this hurdle on the road. What will you do? Either you will remove the hurdle or you will just pass by its side. Another example that I have is roundabouts in Chandigarh . You can not drive over them but need to drive around them to move on other side of the road. In a similar manner, there are blocks in your professional life and you can grow only by ignoring and avoiding them. They feel that they have put, big enough hurdle on the path of your career to slow-down you and/or stop you. It might take some time to over come this hurdle but this is not permanent. This is arrogant / egoistic but temporary hurdle.

Wall under-construction – This is a positive hurdle that you can face in your life. As you grow, the other also grows. He is intelligent and knowledgeable. He is willing to learn all the time. He is a person with high-self esteem. He has high expectations from himself and also from people around him. He is not afraid by the growth of his subordinates. He does not harm the growth of his subordinates. He does not sabotage their growth. The more his subordinate grows, the higher he increases his own level and his competencies.

Closed Door – This is a negative block. Whatever you do, you will face rejection. Things will just bounce on you. This person is afraid of your success and pace of your growth. When in open and competitive market, he feels insecure. He feels comfortable and secured when he is in closed room and that is why he keep the doors closed. If you want to grow in the presence of such superior / boss, you should either be pleading him or buttering him (making him comfortable) or requesting him or you should wait for the right opportunity. (You should look for the ventilator to enter in).

Conclusion

If you want to draw a line, longer than the one which is already drawn, the best way and constructive way to do that is to draw a new line, parallel to existing line and longer than that. Same way, the best way to grow in professional life is to always keep yourself updated with the latest in your domain; to sharpen your skills; to have dreams and to have confidence in yourself. You cannot grow by suppressing someone lower to you. Even if you manage to grow in this fashion, you will not be able to sustain that growth. Be honest to yourself and to your team-members. Don’t lie to them. Share the credit. Most importantly, “Learn to Work in a Team”. Talent Acquisition is Important but Talent Management is Equally Important.

Gone are the days when people use to “butter” their bosses and use to say, “YES Sir” for every order / instruction of their bosses. This is the era of competition. You want to grow then come compete with people.

That’s an end of the write-up. Do share your views and comments.

With Love

Sanjeev Himachali

(BLOG: http://sanjeevhimachali.multiply.com/ or http://sanjeevhimachali.blogspot.com/)

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